Disclaimer: I'm writing a tale of our journey to adopt our third daughter who is our fifth child. Yes, we're crazy. No, I haven't won the argument to get an Armored Personnel Carrier to carry all these people. And yes, I'm writing it from a dad's perspective. I hope it helps some dad out there who wonders what in the world God has put on his plate.
My wife and I were at odds. We weren’t being ugly to one another. Not that kind of “at odds.” It wasn’t a fight. It was a disagreement. And there’s not much common ground between Adopt and Not Adopt.
True story: I am personally inclined to say yes to my wife as much as possible. Some see that as weakness. If that’s you, you’re an idiot. My wife is wicked smart, empathetic relationally, strong of personality, has grit to spare, and has sacrificed beyond measure in just about every sphere of her life for our family. Why wouldn’t I want to say yes to her? It’s easy.
But on this issue, I was struggling. I wasn’t saying no because I’m anti-anything. I was simply inclined to believe that what we said on the front end still stood and that God hadn’t made it clear yet that we should do differently. She wants me to lead in situations like this. I want to lead. But we stood on different sides.
As an aside, I love this about us. We work through things like this. We pray alone and together. We talk honestly. We give each other space. She’s especially gracious on the timing, because I’m a crockpot thinker. She practiced debate in high school and left opponents weeping and seated in their shame. To date, I have never won an argument with her. Which is why it takes her gracious patience to let me think and pray. I hope, if you’re married, you get to the point of healthy engagement over issues without arguing. We sought to hear one another and hear God. That made the conversations heavy but easy.
After a few weeks, which seems like an eternity to a natural-born, DNA-inclined peacemaker, we came to a compromise. I honestly can’t remember whose idea it was, so I’ll go ahead and claim credit.
The compromise was this: if we were to go on a mission trip, it would require a passport. If we were to adopt, it would require a home study. So we set out to figure out how to get a home study done. At first, it looked cost prohibitive because we’d have to join the full China program. That was an initial investment of about $6000. We both felt like that was our answer. It didn’t seem like good stewardship to drop $6000 for a “maybe.” Lo and behold, a few days later our agency let us know about a different option that was close to 1/3 of that. That was a pill we could swallow.
Had we not had that compromise, I honestly don’t know where we’d be or what (if anything) I’d be writing about. But my experience as a pastor (and certainly as a husband) is that when my heart is inclined toward my wife and hers to mine and both are submitted to God, something tends to work out.
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